


The Nohrian Reich

by octoberblues



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Camping, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Emotional Constipation, Food Poisoning, Gen, Hair Care Gone Wrong, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Literal Sleeping Together, Misunderstandings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Paranoia, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21551701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoberblues/pseuds/octoberblues
Summary: After a coup swiftly perpetrated by Hans, which consisted in getting rid of King Garon and Iago somehow, all members of the former royal household wind up destitute and robbed of their titles.  They need a plan if they want to stand a chance against the new government, so they start planning their exile to Hoshido.The Nohrian Reich is born and absolutely nothing will stand in the way of Hans' vast project of destruction.
Relationships: Camilla/Hinoka (Fire Emblem), Elise/Sakura (Fire Emblem), Leon | Leo/Takumi, Marx | Xander/Ryoma
Comments: 11
Kudos: 48





	1. The Destitutes

"Oh my god!" No-longer-a-prince Leo bitches once they're all away from the throne room. "Who knew we'd ever have to worry about Hans, of all people?"

"First Hans assassinates King Garon of Nohr, a man who has demonstrated nothing but pure benevolence to him and who also happens to be our father, and now he has the nerve to strip us of our royal status at that," no-longer-crown-prince Xander rants angrily.

"Both of you, please take the time to cool down and consider this rationally," no-longer-a-princess Camilla chimes in. "Right now, our main priority is to keep the family safe andー Elise, are those Xanax pills?"

No-longer-a-princess Elise, who has not spoken a word for 3 hours, lets out a terrified gasp. "N-No?" she says, unconvincingly.

Camilla wastes no time in snatching the pills away from her nonetheless.

"Camilla is bringing up a crucial point," Leo speaks after clearing his throat, hoping to sound more intelligent. "Our family's safety might be at risk if we decide to occupy this palace any longer. For all we know, Hans could very well send his henchmen after us while we're asleep!"

"Excellent analysis, Leo," says Xander, sounding more paranoid than ever, which does absolutely nothing to reassure Elise. The poor girl is quietly sobbing in Camilla's cleavage. "We are in dire need of a safe place to stay and I fear that right now, our fastest solution is Mozu's farm."

The room falls into dead silence.

"Xander," Camilla is the one who breaks the atmosphere. "I understand that Father's passing has taken its toll on you and your mental stability, but your idea of lodging at Mozu's farm is completely insane. Please refrain from ever expressing your opinions in the future."

The former crown prince finds no retort to this and averts his gaze, finding comfort in staring at the ground instead. Meanwhile, Leo, who would usually step in with a master plan, is far too busy watching his sisters with much insistence, crazy determined to not let his envy show through.

The boy, who's always praised himself on being a true intellectual, never straying from his goals nor letting himself fall prey to such futile pursuits as emotions, had actually craved for Camilla's affections his whole life long. Like hell he was going to admit that, though, because you're not supposed to have a crush on your big sister. That's just fucked up. So Leo will pretend until he dies and fake it until he makes it.

"Guys!" Corrin's high-pitched voice pipes up, interrupting Leo's emo inner monologue. "There is still a viable option ahead of us, and it’s to seek shelter in the Shirasagi Castle."

There is yet another complete silence before comprehension dawns on all faces.

"Corrin, I hope you don't mean..." Camilla's voice trails off. Her anxieties are shared by the rest of the family, as Hoshido never trusted Nohr to begin with.

"Yes," Corrin asserts her authority on her siblings by t-posing, and relishes in seeing the looks of pure terror on their faces. "The Hoshidan royal family will welcome us with open arms, I'm sure of it. After all, we don't support Hans' government and we've practically been evicted from the castle, which means both the Hoshidan and the Nohrian royalty can unite against a common enemy!"

"Overruled," interrupts Leo like he's some kind of lawyer. "If we have to stoop this low then I'd much rather we took refuge in Mozu's decrepit farm."

Leo's first encounter with Prince Takumi had not gone too well, to say the least; the dark mage had accidentally courted the Hoshidan prince, who just happened to be cross-dressing at that time. For some reason, Prince Takumi had allegedly agreed to model for his retainer. Whatever the reason for this was, the confrontation had left Leo terribly upsetー Prince Leo of Nohr, fooled like this! He would not stand for another humiliation from Prince Takumi, even if it meant insulting his mum the next time they went toe-to-toe.

"Seconded," Xander goes ahead and shares his opinion anyway. "Father wouldn't be too pleased about his children venturing into Hoshidan territory and making friends with the enemy."

Looking back on his memories, Xander feels uncomfortable at the idea of asking King Ryoma for help; the two former princes never seemed to have it in them to set aside their differences and build an actual friendship. What's worse, their only attempts at grown-ups communication revolved around sending spies after each other, and Xander felt sick of dealing with goddamn ninjas scrutinising his every move.

Corrin lets out an exasperated sigh. "Oh my god, Xander, Hans is the enemy here, not the Hoshidans!"

"Wow," Elise chirps cheerfully. "Xander, you really do have a problem!"

Xander did not expect his youngest sister going all sassy on him. He goes silent, only staring at the ground all sadly to convey his affliction.

Elise was indeed the only one excited at the idea of harassing Princess Sakura and blackmailing her into forming a music band together. 

"As for you, Leo, if you agree that Mozu's farm is a terrible idea, I hope you're prepared to come up with another solution because right now, Hoshido might be the safest bet if we want to overthrow Hans' government and make Nohr great again," Corrin says.

But Leo only scoffs at this. "Do you realise merging with the Hoshidan royals would mean surrendering to their... exotic customs? Is that it? You all want to walk around in yoo-ka-tahs and eat ta-kow-ya-kee all day?"

No one understands what the hell Leo is blabbering about, and no one wants to understand anyway.

"Leo, what the fuck," Corrin breathes. "Who said we were merging with them, we're only seeking shelter and strengthening our political ties!"

"I don't think the Hoshidan royal household would want you anyway!" Elise adds cheerily.

Leo chokes on his saliva. Xander pats his back awkwardly.

"Corrin is right, we need to flee this place as soon as possible," Camilla insists. "Let us get a move on!"

"Off to Hoshido!" Corrin's rallying cry echoes lamely in the air. The former royals mount whatever creature they have available, and dramatically gallop off into the sunset. Xander stops his horse in mid course and turns around to face Leo, who's pressing his delicate hand against his soft, wounded heart in a dramatic fashion.

"I must inform you," Xander states, matter-of-factly as always, "Your Adidas pants are ripped near the posterior area."

"Ok boomer" Leo replies defiantly and rushes off on his horse with no explanation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work is not meant to be taken seriously.
> 
> Any feedback would be much appreciated! It ain't much, but it's honest work.


	2. Wild Camping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very brief mention of gore here, but nothing worth fretting over.

The fallen royals struggle to pitch their tents in the dark as the night sets in. Despite their continued efforts, the encampments keep collapsing on them when all they long for is a good night’s sleep. Why does it keep collapsing? Cuz they’re royalty. Royals aren’t supposed to go camping.

What’s worse is that no one can lament over the poor quality and the impractical design of the tents; The Nohrth Face, Inc. is the main sponsor for their trip to Hoshido, and without it, they would have no other choice but to retreat back inside the castle. In other words, they would be sentenced to death by Hans’ minions, and nobody wants that.

“Leo! You said it wasn’t supposed to collapse this time!” Elise bitches from afar, buried under her tent.

Leo grumbles, perhaps for the hundredth time tonight. “Why do you all keep blaming me? I’m not the only man in this family, and I’ll have you all know that Xander performs no better than me in setting up a tent!”

“Leo, shut up, I’m trying to sleep.” Corrin says, and Leo cries himself to sleep in silence as Xander gets up and goes to fix Elise’s tent as best as he can. No one wants to know what Camilla is doing inside her tent.

It’s going to be a long night.

Leo hardly ever sleeps, and this time is no different. His brain keeps working and working and his body refuses to take him to dreamland. So Leo rids himself of the covers and exits his tent in the hope that maybe the night sky would help him drowse off – he’d like to spare himself the disgrace of passing out from exhaustion in the middle of the trip.

But Xander’s standing there, body drenched in sweat and face looking like he had seen some things.

It’s Leo who speaks first. “Don’t just stand there at night staring at nothing, I almost had a massive heart attack.”

“I had a spiritual experience,” Xander begins, trying his best to remain composed but the torment in his eyes betray his anguish. “When I woke up, I immediately rushed here, only to find my horse had disappeared. Father was trying to send me a message from above.”

“That spiritual experience you’re referring to is commonly called a paranoia attack,” Leo says dryly and follows the way as Xander ignores him and makes a beeline for the forest.

“I must find my horse. Father led me to the forest– He tried to contact me! I cannot let his insight go to waste. My horse can still be retrieved–”

But just as Xander rambles on like no one in their right mind, the two fallen princes unexpectedly stumble upon a most macabre scene; the smell of blood on the grass is still fresh, and Nohrian equestrian equipment adorns a pile of bones, which upon closer inspection could be identified as the earthly remains of Xander’s stallion.

“Sieg… horse…” Xander promptly falls to his knees, too shaken up to register the gruesome murder of his beloved horse, but he doesn't avert his eyes from what’s left of it. He grabs a bone and feels it, then plunges his whole hand in the heap, probing around for no reason until he finds a scrap of crumpled paper. He reads aloud, _“thnx for the offering, ur free 2 pass.”_ There’s a muddy paw print next to the note. “I’m not sure I understand,” Xander says.

“Oh my god!” Leo exclaims with great emotion. “We’re camping in Ulfhedin territory! They must’ve thought your horse was meant for them as an offering in exchange for the rights of way!”

Xander rises on his feet as fastly as the wrath submerges him. “What! Leo, I was under the belief that you had checked the map before we decided to settle here for the night!”

“I did!” The dark knight snaps; he can feel something coming up his chest. He’s forced it down one too many times, he can’t repress it and act all proper again – so he lets go. “So what if I failed to notice? Someone else could’ve done it! Like, I don’t know, Corrin! You’re consistently showering her with compliments, you keep praising her on her leadership qualities– but she’s not capable of doing half the things I accomplish on a daily basis!” Leo hurls himself into rage, knowing fully well he won’t be able to go back. This is life, and you can’t smash that Ctrl+Z button whenever you regret your poor life decisions, let alone for medieval times. “I know everything, I make every single decision and fix every one of your goddamn failures, and yet I get none of the praise Corrin gets because no one in this family fucking acknowledges me!”

Silence settles in between the two men. Xander sees no point in making an answer, fearing his words would only add salt to injury. What is there to answer anyway? He knows Leo has a point, and so he lets him have his moment.

Leo feels empty inside, but it’s a good kind of empty. Kind of like when you eat fresh seafood that’s actually not that fresh and… Nevermind, that’s disgusting and seafood doesn’t thrive well in Nohrian shores anyway. The point is, Leo finds utter delight in not getting told off the one time he empties his closet. He swears for a split second he can feel Xander’s awkward hand ghosting over his shoulder.

“Don’t be such a dad about it,” Leo bitches. “Besides, you just dipped your hand in your horse’s bones. It’s unsanitary.” Leo can't believe he's just said this.

Xander still makes no answer. The two former princes walk back to the encampment in silence.

“Sieghorse is dead,” Xander’s voice is hesitant as he states the obvious. “Paladins are supposed to ride horses. What am I to do, Leo?”

“You can’t be a paladin without a horse, Xander.” Leo answers. Xander just nods and stares at the ground while they walk. “You’re good friends with that Mozu girl, though, and you can wield a spear quite well. You’ll have to use a Friendship Seal and reclass to villager.” The dark knight shrugs like it’s no big deal, it’s fucking Xander, he can probably take the humiliation until he gets a new horse.

Xander walks Leo back to his tent and crawls back in his own tent. He rummages in his personal belongings until he finds the golden Friendship Seal. He mumbles an apology to Siegfried, and reclasses himself into a villager. He’s useless if he isn't fit to fight.


	3. The Samurai Discourse

When Leo awakes, it’s unpleasant and he barely has enough air to breathe. While consciousness hasn’t caught up with him yet, he thinks he’s 3 years-old and Camilla’s waking him up gently, wrapping her arms around his tiny frame and pressing a light kiss against his cheek. So Leo nuzzles against her fondly, and realises something’s wrong when he can’t smell her signature perfume.

Odin’s on top of him, squeezing him hard as he can. Niles is laying on the mattress as well, and isn’t doing anything overly dramatic, except for the fact that he’s laying far too close for comfort and Leo’s mildly creeped out.

“Milord! You have risen from the dark realms of eternal delusion at last!” Odin shouts before getting shoved away by a groggy Leo.

“Both of you, out of my tent. Now.” Leo orders; he’s definitely not much of a morning person.

“Milord, I replaced the–”

“Out, I said!” Leo grabs Brynhildr and tries to look menacing despite his terrible bedhair. That seems to do the trick, as the two intruders quickly make their exit from the tent–

It’s not a tent. For some strange reason, Leo’s sleeping in a teepee.

He comes out of the teepee and sees his family consuming breakfast. They didn’t even have the decency to wait for him.

“Good morning, sleepyhead!” Elise greets him with enthusiasm and sass. “Ah, Camilla’s wyvern laid an egg this morning. Apparently it’s safe to eat.”

Xander’s stiff, but he still tries to look like an approachable big brother. He’s a lvl. 1 Villager. “Want some scrambled eggs? Well, it’s all we have anyway.” 

_This new-found NPC charisma suits him in a weird way,_ Corrin thinks to herself.

Leo’s positively brimming with anger. “I need to confer with my retainers,” he declares coldly before racing after Niles and Odin, who have long since gone to sit back in the teepee and reclaim the space while Leo’s away. Except Leo isn’t away and he’s glaring at Odin. 

“Why is one of my retainers a samurai?”

Odin gulps and looks like he has a lot to say, but it’s Niles who speaks for him. “Lord Leo, I’m the one responsible for… this. I hope you’ll find it within your heart to listen to me firsthand, so that you understand why I’ve come to this decision.”

“Oh? Do tell, Niles.” Leo grabs a chair that came from nowhere and sits on it cross-legged. His father did tell him he was a queer boy. Leo doesn’t think sitting cross-legged is queer, however. If anything, he thinks it makes him look sassy and intimidating.

Even if Niles feels intimidated, it doesn’t show on his face. “So, uh, we rushed after you like two retards when we heard you and your family had departed to Hoshido. And on the way here, we got ambushed by a bunch of faceless.” He lets out a sigh. “Long story short, we almost died, and that’s when I realised Odin’s stats are wack. He says he’s a mage, but he can’t do shit. None of his spells fucking work.”

Leo clicks his tongue in disapproval. “Watch your fucking language, Niles.”

“His foul language is merely a veil compared to the indignities he throws at me!” Odin exclaims theatrically, always true to himself. “This is neither about my spells nor my stats; my dark power– it threatened to swallow me whole back in this theatre of war. I could not control it, my aching blood–”

That’s when Elise pokes her head out of the teepee’s entry. “No, Niles is right. You didn’t do shit.” 

Odin sinks to the ground and goes to sit in the corner like a sad clown while Niles watches him smugly. Leo gasps; his precious little sister, using such unrefined vocabulary without his official big brother authorisation! Now this is just plain unacceptable. He stands there open-mouthed like a moron and fantasizes about punching Niles in the jaw and firing him, before eventually he whips out Brynhildr and executes him on the spot like he should have done back then. Granted, he refrains from taking action as he regains awareness of his surroundings.

“So, as I was saying, I used a Heart Seal on Odin, just to see what his options were.” Niles explains. “And it seemed his true calling was that of a samurai, for some reason. So I thought ‘why not’, you know. And then I peer-pressured him into reclassing himself to a samurai.” He actually has the audacity to look smug.

“You, my umbral friend, exploited my most intimate weaknesses and made use of devious schemes to precipitate me on this cursed path of destruction!” Odin adds, but it’s not relevant to the discussion. Leo and Niles wish they could just put him on mute.

“Odin,” Leo breathes, “Right now you are not a clown, you are the entire circus. Do I look like a Hoshidan prince to you?”

“No, Milord,” Odin replies, voice shaky. “In fact, you look quite Nohrian to me!”

“You goddamn buffoon, he’s explicitly asking if you think he’s Prince Takumi of Hoshido.” Niles cuts in.

“No, Milord, you are Prince Leo of Nohr.”

“Damn right I am,” Leo breathes in before he lashes out– “So why is one of my retainers a samurai?! I can’t go around in Hoshido like this, they’ll think I’m some sort of weeb!”

Xander’s head pokes out of the teepee entry all of a sudden.

"As a matter of fact, Leo, our royal titles are no longer legitimate under Hans’ rule.”

“Quiet, Xander. NPCs don’t show up randomly in the middle of important discussions.” Leo says.

Xander wanders off without a word.

“Lord Leo,” Niles speaks, looking somewhat inconvenienced, “Please place your faith in me on this– it’s his only viable option if you wish to keep him among your men.”

“Have you seen Odin?” Leo scoffs and points his finger at Odin like the absolute clown he is. “He’s blonde-haired, tall and fair, with not an ounce of muscle in his body. How could you even think he would pass off as a samurai?”

Without any warning, Odin takes off the cloth which constitutes the top of his samurai attire, revealing underneath an impressive six-pack.

“As you can see, Milord, I am quite buff!” Odin beams, blissfully unaware that Leo’s going through so much distress just seeing a half-unclothed man that he’s covering his eyes like a teenage girl. At this moment, Niles would bet his entire life savings that Leo’s actually a flaming homosexual, but saying that out loud would get him fired for sure. You just don’t say these things to a prince’s face.

“Dear lord! All right, your pectoral muscles are quite the show! Now please, will you put your clothes back on and preserve what’s left of your dignity?” 

Odin does so, satisfied with himself, barely seconds before Corrin barges in with no warning and shouts; “I just got the news that Hans has sent his men after us! The time has come for us to hit the road again. Hi Leo, your collar is on backwards.” And just like that Corrin’s gone.

“Grrr!” Leo roars, fuming with rage as Niles and Odin snicker at him and follow Corrin. The fallen prince adjusts his collar with great embarrassment and sets off to join the others.

He freaks out when he hears the cliff nearby crumbling, but then realises his stomach is probably pissed off at him for skipping breakfast today. _So this is what being a commoner feels like_ , he thinks bitterly.

Camilla’s giving him this knowing look like she just _knows_ her baby brother’s got the munchies, and he only has himself to blame. Leo’s never had to beg for food before. He approaches her, body language betraying the fact that he’s clearly stepping out of his comfort zone.

“Are there any scrambled eggs left?” He’s a prince. Asking for food is scandalous in itself.

“Nope,” Camilla smiles. “It’ll be all right, dear. Even if you fainted along the way, Elise would easily revive you with her magic.”

“Yup!” Elise chirps. “You’re a big boy, Leo. You don’t need to eat anyway!”

“You can do it, Leo. We believe in you.” Corrin smiles a wide, gleaming smile and then begins leading the way. He sees Xander shooting him a smile meant to be inspirational.

 _I’m fine_ , Leo tells himself even though he’s absolutely not fine and his body threatens to blank out his consciousness at any minute, _big boys don’t need to eat anyway._ They get back on the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unpopular opinion: eating is overrated


	4. Fomitopsis Betulina

Leo has decided to skip breakfast due to his teenage angst bullshit, and now he’s in a bit of a pickle. His body can’t take the weight of his armour and suddenly he’s no longer able to even sit straight on his horse. He’s bringing up the rear so that no one notices he’s acting strangely and starts making a fool of him. Right now, Leo fancies a good cry to hit that reset button on his emotional state.

They can’t know he’s weak and needs to eat like a normal human being. He’s pissed off at Camilla for not giving him food but then again, no one’s had the sense to pack some supplies when they left Krakenburg, so the wyvern randomly laying an egg has been a blessing so far.

Regardless, Leo isn’t used to feeling hungry. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and so he leaps from his horse and orders the animal to keep walking before hurriedly rushing behind a tree.

He sees a mushroom growing on a tree trunk, and without thinking twice he takes an eager bite from the fungus. _Nothing quite like the subtle and complex flavour of some birch polypore, fresh from the source_ , Leo thinks. He’s memorised over 10,000 species of mushrooms. The boy keeps taking bites until his stomach feels relieved. The journey may continue.

Leo gets back up on his horse, not sure if he should feel proud of himself for not being noticed by anyone, or disappointed that no one has noticed him missing.

The meal has done wonders on his mood. Feeling particularly chatty, he guides his horse alongside his retainers, and strikes up a very much one-sided conversation:

“Have I ever told you about mushrooms? Seriously, mushrooms are amazing. If you are wondering; yes, I am quite the mushroom enthusiast. I have memorised over 10,000 species of mushrooms simply by reading the largest mushroom encyclopaedia to ever exist.”

Niles and Odin exchange confused glances while Leo’s horse is walking past them, radiating assurance more than ever before.

The trip proceeds smoothly for a few hours. Everyone’s excited at the prospect of reaching Hoshido soon; such enthusiasm is pure music to Corrin’s ears since it means she won’t have to lock up her two families in the same room to force them to get along. Leo, notably, is currently in such high spirits he’s not even talking shit about Prince Takumi for once – he even pays him a few compliments, and no one’s got the faintest clue why Leo’s behaving like this but for now they all keep quiet.

The positive atmosphere goes down the drain when Leo starts groaning in pain non-stop out of the blue, pressing a desperate hand to his stomach. It doesn’t take him long until he falls off his horse and loses consciousness almost immediately. 

“Oh no! Big brother!” Elise bounces off her horse right away as she notices Leo’s unmoving figure on the ground and kneels down on his side, and the whole group follows suit.

Camilla presses her hand against Leo’s forehead. “He’s practically on fire,” she states in a worried tone. “Oh dear, what has gotten into you this time, Leo?”

Leo’s opening his eyes to blink at Camilla, vision unfocused as his mouth twitches, like he’s mustering the last of his remaining strength to say: “This happened... because no one waited for me to have breakfast–“ he manages before he chokes out a helpless whimper, his hand reaching out to suddenly fall limp and clutch his abused stomach. Leo’s whole body turns cold and heavy in Xander’s arms as his eyes fall shut and the weight of his head tips backwards.

“Jeez!” Elise breaks the atmosphere, “Is that all this is about? He really is throwing a hissy fit just because we didn’t wait for him earlier? What a big baby!”

“Elise, please,” says Corrin, secretly pleased with her rhyming ability, “Get on with it and tell us what’s wrong with Leo. This could be a life-or-death kind of situation.”

Understanding seems to make its way to Elise’s brain eventually. Fear settles in her eyes as she stops talking and starts checking Leo’s body intensely while Niles and Odin are currently going through a major panic attack. Niles says if anything happens to Leo he’ll kill himself on the spot. Corrin is not okay with this.

Elise declares after a little while, loud enough to be heard by everyone, “As Camilla said, he’s burning with fever and there’s saliva building up on the corners of his mouth. I think it’s safe to say he’s suffering from some kind of food poisoning.” 

“That’s the problem, though. He hasn’t eaten all day.” Corrin’s gaze is set on Leo; she feels guilty for not at least saving Leo a plate of scrambled eggs, but she knows it’s too late to wallow in regret.

“Well he must have eaten something, because you don’t get these symptoms from an empty stomach!” Elise says, “What is it that he ate, though? We've only had eggs this morning, but that’s off the list…”

Odin looks like he wants to say something, but the discussion earlier has left a huge scar on his self-esteem, so he refrains from speaking altogether and whispers something in Niles’ ear instead.

“Holy shit.” Niles stares at the ground as if whatever Odin’s just told him is actually making sense for once.

“What is it, Niles?” Xander shoots the two retainers a suspicious look.

“Well…” The outlaw clears his throat before speaking, “He came to us earlier, while we were walking and minding our own business, and then he started rambling about mushrooms out of nowhere. It was our first time learning about his mushroom obsession.” To this Odin just nods in approval.

Corrin lets out a gasp of surprise. “Come to think of it, I didn’t pay attention to him for a while when we were travelling. Could it be that he–”

“You mean,” Camilla cuts her off, suddenly agitated, “He was that desperate to eat that he had no other option but to resort to eating the poisonous mushrooms in the forest?”

The crowd goes deadly quiet while picturing Leo walking up to a mushroom and taking a bite out of it. _What the fuck, Leo,_ thinks literally everyone.

Camilla’s face collapses into emotion, and much to everyone’s surprise she breaks into tears all at once.

“He came to ask me earlier if I had any food left with me… and I just laughed it off because we all know he’s the strongest and he can take it– but Leo never begs for food, ever!” The words trail off into broken sobs as she’s hiding her face behind her hands. “I’m the one responsible for this!” she wails.

“Camilla, please calm down,” Xander tries to act reassuring as his hand reaches out clumsily to the bellicist’s shoulder. “This isn’t about making you out to be a martyr. Neither one of us could have known about this tragedy beforehand.”

“Uh, may I remind you that Lord Leo’s not dead?” Niles interrupts loudly. “At least not yet, ‘cause if this pity party drags on much longer, you can bet your asses that we’ll be one man short by the time we reach Hoshido. And if that ever happens, like I said earlier, I'll fucking kill myself. And no, Corrin, this isn’t up for debate.” He turns over to face Camilla, “Quit bitching and help me lift him up on your wyvern. You’re gonna fly over to Fort Jinya and get the guy a medic asap."

"Niles is right, but I'll rephrase it more nicely," Corrin says. "Camilla, no one is blaming you for this, but Leo needs urgent medical attention right now. We’re placing our faith in you to fly him safely while the rest of us finish the journey on foot."

Camilla nods and wipes the dampness off her cheeks quickly before securing Leo on her wyvern. She mounts the creature herself after making sure Leo’s body won’t fall off.

“I’ll be quick. You can trust me to get our baby boy safe and sound in no time.”

“We’ll catch you later, guys.” Niles waves at the group but nobody waves him back. Camilla just stares at him.

“I’m sorry, Niles, but my wyvern cannot make the trip while carrying three people on her back. This isn’t a risk I’m willing to take, especially with Leo’s condition right now,” she says sternly.

With an evil grin, Niles abruptly dashes straight after a flock of feral kinshis in the nearby prairie. “Watch this,” he shouts. The outlaw pulls a saddle out of thin air and slaps it with no warning on one of the majestic birds, asserting his dominance while the kinshi struggles to squirm free of the hold. The entire group watches, entranced, as the battle unfolds before their very eyes. The bird shudders a few squeaks before eventually surrendering to its new master. Niles has won.

“I’m not sure exactly what you’re trying to do, Niles,” Xander says calmly, “But promoting into a kinshi knight is not one of your options. You’re an _outlaw_ ,” he’s gritting his teeth, like he’s forgotten all about reclassing into a villager.

“Which means I’m above the law,” Niles climbs up on his new mount and motions for Odin to sit by him, which the samurai does wholeheartedly. They soar up into the sky. Niles is a kinshi knight.

It’s Camilla’s turn to follow suit after a few beats, and the crowd keeps watching the two flying creatures dancing in the sky until they’re no longer at a visible distance.

“So that just happened,” Corrin says, and her group gets back on their journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo's last remaining brain cells have left the chat


	5. Pineapples & Porridge

Fort Jinya used to be a camp for human experimentation. This isn’t a past Hoshido is particularly proud of though, so the fortress has since been repurposed into a makeshift hospital for the sick and the wounded. 

Leo’s entered a state of peaceful sleep in a room isolated from plague patients for the sake of royalty privilege. His older sister, along with his retainers, is patiently waiting for him to wake up at his bedside while Sakura, the most competent healer in Hoshido, is watching over him in silence. Despite being royalty and looking like a 14 year-old, she already has a full-time job at the fortress. Her brother Takumi is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

“I’m just as shocked as you are, Princess Sakura,” Camilla sighs, “Believe me when I say my baby brother would never have done such a thing under normal circumstances.”

“Imagine though,” Niles begins. He’s toying with one of Leo’s strands of hair. “You’re walking alone in the woods at night and then you see someone gnawing on a mushroom straight off a tree.” Sakura watches intensely as he draws his fingers away.

Takumi snorts from a corner of the room. “No, imagine being the mushroom and getting bitten by this guy.”

“Imagine being a mushroom,” Sakura’s staring into space, a wistful look on her face. She’s fidgeting nervously like she’s waiting for something to happen, or rather for people to leave. “You must be weary from your journey,” her round eyes sweep over the three foreigners, “Hana and Subaki will be most certainly delighted to escort you out of the fortress. Shall I call them?”

“We could use some rest,” Camilla laughs easily, running a hand through her wavy locks. “We are entrusting you with Leo’s life, dear.” 

She leaves the room with a grin, followed by Niles and Odin. Sakura’s own retainers are waiting by the corridor.

“I didn’t know samurais and kinshi knights were a thing in Nohr,” Takumi remarks, casual, while Niles and Odin are still standing in the doorway.

A cold rush floods through Niles’ body as he realises, “Lord Leo’s gonna fucking execute me for this,” he says before leaving in a hurry.

The room falls into uneasy silence. Sakura’s standing perfectly still, eyes fixated on the rise and fall of Leo’s chest as he sleeps. Takumi’s gaze lingers on the Nohrian’s soft features slightly longer than necessary. He wants to reach out, he wants to squeeze those squishy cheeks until Leo dies and fluff out his blond hair just to feel the texture, he wants to sniff him and capture his scent. Fortunately, his common sense catches up with him just in time to talk him out of doing any of this.

“I could kill him now,” he says. “And no one would know.” The statement falls flat; Sakura’s not paying him any attention.

Takumi has porridge hair today. What’s porridge hair, you may ask? It’s a medieval life hack when you pour the water used for cooking rice onto your hair and let it sit for about 30 minutes before rinsing it away (the more you know). Takumi likes this method because his hair is all shiny and stuff and this recipe makes it grow faster.

But Takumi has left the palace in a hurry today. The unrinsed rice water has dried up and made his long mane all moist and crusty, and therefore he's got porridge hair.

“Could you–” Sakura starts, but stutters in the middle of her delivery, “Could you leave me alone with him for a while?”

Takumi frowns at her, not budging from the corner of wall.

“Why do you–” he stops abruptly as realisation dawns in his mind, “ _Oh._ ”

“Could you?” She pleads, shades of red spreading right up across her ears, and though she doesn’t give way to tears, her eyes are all glossy.

Takumi shoots her sister a horrified stare before shaking his head. 

“Nuh-uh, not gonna happen.”

“Huh?!” The redhead gasps, and Takumi can see her eyes flash with a fierce determination. He’s not ready to do this. “Why couldn’t you, big brother?”

“Because you need the Takumi seal of approval™ for that, which you don’t have.” Takumi says like he’s provided a satisfying answer. 

But Sakura’s far from satisfied. “I have been dreaming my whole life about this! And now that prince charming has come to me at last, you want to take him away from me–"

"He's a _Nohrian_ , dammit. You expect me to just go along with your little love story and give you my blessing?" Takumi cuts her off for the sole reason that he doesn't like where this is going. "Not to mention we’re not exactly in friendly terms with Nohr. This dude's dad literally declared war on us not even a month ago."

"But King Garon is dead now!" Sakura's having trouble keeping her voice at reasonable volume, she's practically yelling herself hoarse by now. "I had never felt so utterly fascinated by a man before! And besides, my marriage with Prince Leo would be a wonderful opportunity for our kingdoms to start afresh!" Quite uncharacteristically, the usually quiet princess sounds like a bird chirping non-stop.

But Takumi's having none of this shit.

"With this nazi coup d'état going on in Nohr? Wow, great idea," Takumi scoffs. "God, first this so-called prince–" he gestures quote marks with his fingers while speaking, "who seems to lack basic survival skills, decides to eat suspicious as fuck mushrooms off a tree, and now _you_ want to straight up marry him because he's hot and an exotic foreign prince and whatever? Am I the only one with a functional brain here?"

Sakura gasps and falls into silence after spending a few seconds studying Takumi's features. Her gaze flickers back to Leo, who's still sleeping soundly, or pretending to be asleep so that he gets all the juicy info – who knows really.

"So this is what this is about," she says quietly.

"Huh?" Takumi looks up at her, all confused. 

From where he stands, he can make out the flickering of her eyelids and and the way her lips are twisting downwards. He freaks out; no one’s taught him how to deal with crying people.

"If this is what I think it is, then I know all too well there is no use trying to convince you…" Sakura chokes on the words, her hands flying to her face. "I will put aside my own feelings and support you all the way, like a good little sister. May your love finally blossom one day," she manages before rushing out of the room. 

The sounds of her weeping and the rapid thud of the getas against the floor echo pathetically throughout the hall.

"Oh no," Takumi says after a while, "She totally got the wrong idea– Sakura! Wait for me!" He yells and flees the room to chase after his sister, leaving Leo feeble and unattended. Little does Takumi know, his hair’s now turned into an actual zoo of bacteria due to a mix of thick rice water residues and sweat from the scalp, providing as an unfortunate result a splendid climate for fungal growth. 

The room is quiet.

“What a bunch of neurotypical fools!” Leo stirs into life and sits up on his bed. “I don’t know whether I should be resentful at Camilla and my hardly qualified retainers for entrusting my safety to these damn Hoshidans, or blame this joke of a prince Takewmee for leaving me untended with no second thought whatsoever!”

The prince huffs, pressing his back against the poorly built wooden headboard when he understands he's not going to get out anytime soon.

"And what was that about keen-she knights? I sure hope that he wasn't talking about Niles." He should have executed this cheeky bastard like the goddamn criminal he is while he had the chance. 

Some moments pass by without anything happening. Leo's eyelashes bat a few times before eventually falling heavy on his cheeks again, as the boy sees no other alternative than to surrender to boredom.

"I could kill him now," says a disdainful voice that Leo can only imagine being a girl's. "And no one would know."

"Joke's on you, I'm not sleeping." Leo retorts without missing a beat. "Besides, plotting to assassinate a prince constitutes a valid casus belli in case you didn't know."

The answer doesn't come so Leo opens his eyes. Christ, it turns out the face of his intruder's just as disdainful as the tone of her voice, if not worse. And what's with the hair sticking out everywhere– is it considered "hip" to look like a pineapple in Hoshido?

The pineapple head wannabe, as it turns out, suffers from some kind of speech defect; she mumbles something about nazis and gives a final hiss before storming out of the room without a word.

“Whatever,” Leo says, suddenly leaping to his feet and tearing away the Hello-Kitty band-aids all over his arms. “I don't have time for this, I can’t afford to rot away in here. Not with these hostile pineapples prowling around my room.”

Leo grabs Brynhildr and exits the room, on his way to sue that biatch Takumi and his kid sister for patient neglect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Takewmee.


	6. Downtown Mayhem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter ahead--I got carried away and had to fizzle it out.

Leo’s headed downtown to try and find out if his siblings have arrived safely. He’s taking in the sights of the city and is positively surprised when no one tries to rob him in the broad daylight--is this what they call a cultural shock? Back in Nohr, no sane wealthy person would even think about setting foot in the slums, as the country seems to be perpetually ravaged by poverty, famine and nasty diseases. At this point, saying half the Nohrian population has gone astray in order to survive is practically an understatement.

Hoshido, on the other hand, looks like a kingdom that has jumped right out the pages of a fairy tale. All in all, it’s a pleasant experience: Leo walks through the market streets safely and he’s even offered homespun food at some point. He feels like a Renaissance prince at an anime convention, like a goth at a Christmas gathering, but the locals treat him with utmost respect, as if he’s always belonged here. 

But then everything falls apart in a matter of seconds; the merry atmosphere is absolutely ruined when a pigeon lands brutally on Leo’s head and sinks its claws deep in his scalp for a firmer grasp.

“Holy hell!” Leo starts shrieking like a madman and swings his arms frantically in the air. “Get that filthy thing away from me! This is an omen of death!”

“Uh, this ain’t no omen of death,” says some dude in the crowd. Judging by his hairstyle, he’s also part of the pineapple crew, but his pineapple’s upside down. “It’s just a pigeon, man, relax.” 

“Relax? With a bloody pigeon on my head? Those vicious creatures are loaded with foul diseases!” Leo surrenders to panic, but still tries very hard not to scream like a girl--his princely pride is at stake.

“Hinata has brain damage,” a girly voice says. A fairly normal-looking young lady steps out of the crowd and walks over to Leo before reaching out to the bird and lifting it up. “You’re supposed to take it and and check if there’s a message tied to its leg! Look, there’s a piece of paper.”

“Frick you, Hana,” Hinata curses under his breath, mean-spirited, and he and Leo watch as Hana retrieves the paper.

“Whew, I can’t believe I’m explaining this to you!” The girl hands Leo the paper, which he takes reluctantly. “You’re a Nohrian prince, right? How do you communicate inside Nohr if not with carrier pigeons?”

“We have no need for long-distance communication in Nohr,” Leo shrugs. “All noblemen live within the castle walls. Whatever occurs outside these walls is none of our concern.”

There’s a pregnant pause during which Hana and Hinata exchange concerned glances.

“Sounds… nice,” Hana forces out. “So, what does it say?” She nods to the paper.

“It’s gotta be something important, since it’s a royal pigeon,” Hinata says, gesturing to the golden ring around the bird’s leg.

Leo fumbles the paper open before reading aloud:

 _“To Prince Leo of Nohr, who effortlessly qualifies for the annual Dumbass Award,"_ He pauses for a second, frowning at the letter, _"Your family’s waiting for you at Shirasagi Castle. Get out of my country. Piss off, Takumi.”_

The two samurais gasp in surprise.

“Well, looks like you were right after all,” Hana says. “This was an omen of death.”

“Are you kidding? I’ve worked for him all these years, I know for a fact he doesn’t mean that!” Hinata says with great passion. “The guy’s a total sweetheart. He, uh, he just has some issues that make it difficult for him to work through his emotions. Y’know, cuz’ he never was acknowledged as a kid, so he’s got all that pent-up anger and misplaced feelings and stuff.”

Hana stares at him as if he’s just defied everything she’s ever been taught.

“Wow, Hinata. I never took you for the type but, I must admit, you’d make an astute psychologist.” She grins at him. “You might want to consider a career change, yeah?”

A faint blush spreads over Hinata’s face for a second. “Nah, you’re just saying that cuz’ you think there can only be one samurai.”

“Ha! You’re only proving my point further!” 

Hana unsheathes her katana, determined to challenge Hinata to a duel. The boy follows suit and draws his own sword, raising it against Hana’s blade.

Leo, at this point, is radiating incredibly negative energy. Crumpling the piece of paper in his hand, he shoves it in a pocket and walks up between the dueling samurais.

“Fetch me a horse immediately,” Leo says. “How dare he address me, a prince, with such discourteous manners. He is obviously well aware there is a proper etiquette when drafting a letter to a person of royal lineage. And yet, he chose to disregard it and ridicule me. This can only mean one thing: him and I were fated to loathe the other from the very day we were put on this earth. I shall die by no hand but his, and he shall die by no hand but mine. I need to find this incorrigible whippersnapper without further delay and give him a piece of my mind.”

Hana and Hinata frown at him for a couple of seconds, both wondering what kind of place Leo's mind must look like.

“I only answer to Lady Sakura,” the young lady finally says, firm in her tone.

“You mean a Pegasus? Anyway, yeah, I only answer to Lady– uh, I mean Lord Takumi.” Hinata feels himself shrieking under Hana’s rather skeptical stare.

"Fine!" Leo says. "It appears I'll have to figure out how to get there on my own. Nothing out of the ordinary--I am quite the chess master, after all." 

With this, Leo makes a show of huffing dramatically in a child-like fashion, and walks off the street grandiosely as Hana and Hinata stand mouth agape like dimwits.

Along the way to Shirasagi Castle, Leo discovers the concept of street food stalls. One of the locals gets increasingly loud in his attempts to get his attention and hands him a plate of roasted eel and pickle-grilled whale meat. Needless to say, Leo doesn't even think about accepting.

“Sapientis non est bis labi in eodem lapide,” he says. The local is confused, so he explains, “A wise man does not stumble over the same stone a second time.”

The street vendor is still very much perplexed but Leo pays him no mind and keeps on walking. Far away from him was the _dumbass_ (as Prince Takumi had eloquently put it) who would munch on mushrooms to soothe his famished stomach; Leo had become a new and better man.

It doesn’t take long until he stumbles upon a most unexpected sight: Niles is standing between two stalls, in full kinshi knight attire, and grabs an eager bite of Corrin’s candied apple. The couple (?) playfully nudge each other before eventually taking into account Leo’s presence. 

“Leo! Gosh, I was worried sick about you!” Corrin speaks after a few seconds, sounding extremely fake. Niles, however, makes no such declaration; he’s frozen in place, as if very much aware these might be his last moments on earth. 

“Uh,” he says, well-spoken as ever, “I gotta go. Catch you later, Corrin.” 

Niles winks at the girl and turns around to leave, but Leo outspeeds him and quickly grabs hold of his cloak. 

“Not only have you reclassed yourself into a keen-she knight and paid no heed to the scolding Odin has received for choosing a Hoshidan class in the absence my lordly approval, but you also have the gall to court my sister without my official big brother authorisation and–” 

“Actually, Leo, you’re my little brother. And as far as I’m concerned, your opinion isn’t needed for these matters.” Corrin goes to stand at Niles’ side. 

Leo ignores her and keeps reciting the speech he’s had prepared for this special occasion, “And in the face of authority, your only answer for your actions is to run away. You will now face judgement, and as I’m sure you know, Nohrian law is blunt on the subject of traitors.” 

Corrin rolls her eyes. 

“Yeah, we know, the sentence is death and blah blah blah.” 

Leo looks like he wants to murder her for stealing his signature catchphrase. But Niles stoops down on one knee and lowers his head so that the back of his neck is visible. The posture makes your head easier to sever with a sword, they say. 

“Go ahead, my lord. Do what you must. You know as well as I do that a scoundrel such as me is nothing more than an filthy embarrassment to your title.” 

"I oppose this!" Corrin yells, and her delicate figure suddenly flashes into that of a dragon. The mighty creature stands atop of Niles, fiery and defensive. 

"I haven't even said anything yet." 

Leo sighs, too used to witness Corrin's over-dramatic tantrums, and retrieves a tome from underneath his cloak. Oddly enough, it isn't Brynhildr. 

"Fear not, Niles. Rather than eliminating you with Brynhildr's magic, I'll opt in favour of giving you a punishment fit for someone such as yourself." 

"Yes," Niles mutters, voice low and husky, "I crave death, but the sinner I am deserves to die in suffering, ripped of dignity." 

"Oh, you'll be ripped of your dignity all right." Leo chuckles as he opens the tome, "You shall pay for your disrespect!" 

As Niles lays on the ground, awaiting death with great enthusiasm, Leo starts reciting some kind of chant. A magic circle draws itself around Niles and Corrin goes completely ballistic, screeching and setting several street food stalls on fire by accident due to being unable to control her dragon form. The food market that used to be so peaceful and festive has now fallen into outright chaos; powerless vendors are screaming out for help as the crowd flees the burning area within the blink of an eye. 

Leo, who has long since mastered the art of remaining unbothered regardless of the circumstances, flings his arm forwards and casts his spell. Powerful winds start blowing out of nowhere, and when they finally leave, so do Niles' clothes. 

Now, Niles has had his fair share of criminal acts, but exhibitionism has never been one of them. Standing in the middle of the street in all his naked glory is yet another level of humiliation he's never thought he'll experience till now. 

"My lord," Niles huffs a humourless laugh, covering his private parts with his hands. "Those are... incredibly inappropriate methods that I refuse to believe my lord would use. May I gain back some proper clothes so that you execute me and we get this over with?" 

Corrin's dragon form, meanwhile, has run out of energy, so the girl regains her normal form. She picks up Niles' garments, laying abandoned on the ground a few meters away, and tosses them to poor Niles. 

"Leo, what the fuck?" 

"Heh," Leo can't help but smirk as his hand brushes the non existent dust off his tome in a characteristic gesture, "The weapon triangle truly is a marvelous concept. I will most certainly try this spell out on Prince Takewmee, that should teach the entitled and spoiled brat a lesson. Oh, and I suppose this would work on Camilla as well… No, I mustn't think about her like this." 

Niles promptly puts his clothes back on. 

"I'll pretend you never said that," Corrin's laugh is shaky as she turns to Niles and finds reassurance in his equally disconcerted expression. "Anyway, I initially came to let you know everyone's waiting for you at Shirasagi. I succeeded in blackmailing Xander and Ryoma and we're going to have a big get together with the Hoshidans over dinner." 

"The insufferable prince told me, thank you," Leo says. "Though his peculiar choice of words left me under the impression that I'm not exactly welcome here." The irony comes on strong in his tone; Prince Takumi probably dreams of him getting deported back to Nohr. 

"Oh, please don't dwell on it too much, Leo." Corrin quickly looks away, bearing a sad expression. "He just has some issues that make him difficult for him to work through his emotions. He never was acknowledged as a child, so he has a lot of pent-up anger and misplaced feelings. He's kind of like you, Leo, but different." 

Leo purposely ignores his sister's last statement and scoffs. 

"Does he have an official character sheet that I'm not aware of hanging on a wall somewhere? The young lad earlier told me the exact same thing and I'll have you know: I do not care. I am willing to issue a public statement about this Takewmee situation if necessary." 

Jakob pops up out of nowhere and states his name and occupation; he has come to ravish Princess Corrin and get her back to Shirasagi. The whole group departs for the capital, leaving Leo no time to actually make a public declaration about Prince Takumi. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your feedback truly means a great deal to me. Thank you for showing your interest in this story and best wishes for the year to come!


	7. Like Chalk and Cheese

As the sun lies down and the sky turns dark, Leo’s in Takumi’s room, uncomfortably seated at his ridiculously low table. They’re playing their 48th tic-tac-toe match in a row now.

“Look, this is getting absolutely ludicrous,” Leo says. He low-key wants to end it all.

“Shut up, I have a strategy and I can confidently predict that you’re gonna lose this time,” Takumi shoots back and draws a cross with his chalk stick. He low-key wants to die as well.

“As a matter of fact, this is the 48th time you have been saying this now. Being a reasonable adult, you ought to know that tic-tac-toe always ends in a tie if played properly. Hence why it is a children’s game. Are you a child, Prince Takumi?”

The dark knight sighs, his pain distinct on his face, but relents yet again as he leans forwards to draw a circle, using a chalk compass to get that perfect round contour.

“I lost my shogi set,” Takumi provides as an answer, and draws a cross. “Stalemate,” he whispers, focused on the slate board like it’s the most enthralling game he’s ever played.

“Gods, you really _are_ a child,” Leo rolls his eyes, but has a big stupid grin drawn on his cheeks. “Blockade,” he draws another circle. 

The game, futile as ever, ends in a draw. Hinoka, right on cue, goes _WHAM!_ through the bedroom door, not bothering to knock before intruding.

“Dinner’s ready, boys! Ah, it’s good to see you both getting along. I was prepared to burst in and break Leo’s neck in case the two of you were fighting, but Ryoma wouldn’t let me upstairs,” the redhead chuckles at this.

“Hinoka!” Takumi whines, “You know I hate it when you barge in my room without knocking! If you keep doing this, I’ll never be able to bring in a girl and do the frick frack!”

“And do the _what_ ,” Leo chokes. “Actually, I’d prefer if you didn’t wash your dirty laundry in a guest’s company and save the pointless banter with your siblings for when I’ll have left.”

“See, Leo knows there is a time and place for everything. You could learn a thing or two from him,” Hinoka says and walks out of the room. “Hurry up, everyone’s downstairs and waiting for you two.”

The boys remain silent for a while. Then they sit up, and Takumi hastily offers an outstretched hand.

“It was nice playing with you,” he says, and looks at the other expectantly.

“Do you actually mean that?” Leo blinks, but shakes the hand nonetheless, appreciating the warmth of Takumi's calloused fingers. He’s been secretly touch-starved his whole life long; what he truly craves is someone to platonically lie across him with their full weight, crushing his body and providing deep pressure until his errant soul is reabsorbed into his flesh.

“No,” Takumi admits, and his hand lingers in Leo’s just a tad longer than necessary. He’s also low-key desperate for a hug. “Uh. Yeah. Let’s go downstairs.”

Just as Leo heads outside first, he witnesses something he's never thought he'd see in a million years, and watches in utter disbelief as Takumi goes for the chalk sticks and chomps on them like they're snacks. 

"Crunchy," he says, enjoying the crunchiness of the chalk crushed by his teeth, and fucking. Gulps down. All the chalk sticks.

"What the-- Oh Lord, what the fuck?" Leo cannot believe the sight in front of him and stares at Takumi as if he's an alien descending from some unknown planet. "And you have the nerve to call me a 'dumbass' because I might have taken a bite or two of venomous mushrooms off a tree that one time, when no one gave me food and I was literally starving to death? When _you're_ the one feasting on chalk sticks routinely?"

"It's packed with calcium, which my bones need in order for my body to grow stronger. Do your goddamn research before making accusations and going on blind hatred, dumbass," Takumi retorts.

He wipes the white dust off the corners of his mouth. The inside of his mouth, however, has turned into clay.

"I can't fucking believe you," Leo says, and the two princes head downstairs.

*

“I… I can’t hold my chopsticks…”

Sakura’s chopsticks drop on the dining table. She sniffles a bit before erupting into tears when Azura lifts a hand and starts rubbing hesitant circles on her shoulder. Sakura’s had no choice but to play the shamisen for 3 hours straight, and now her gentle and delicate hands are covered with callosities and cuts from the strings.

“Shoot, I hadn’t noticed! What happened to your fingers, Sakura?” It takes Hinoka a good amount of willpower to stay put on her seat and not rush to Sakura’s side.

“If I recall, Sakura has been spending the last hours in Princess Elise’s company, correct? Did something happen?” Azura asks, trying to soothe the young girl sobbing helplessly.

All eyes suddenly turn to stare at Elise, who feels now overwhelmed by the pressure.

“What are you implying?” The Nohrian princess retorts, almost defensively. “We… We just played our instruments, nothing more…”

“You bullied me!” Sakura blurts out. “I had told you a thousand times that my fingers hurt too much!” She squeals and then gives in to tears as Elise lets slip a _What?!_ of fake indignation.

“Princesses don’t bully people!” Elise whines, eyes getting watery. “Besides, I really like you, Sakura! I thought we were friends by now!” 

With no warning, Takumi smashes his empty bowl of miso soup on the dining table, sending shivers down everyone’s spines, and glares at Leo across the table.

“Your little sister acts like a literal bully and you think that’s okay? Keep her in check, you pompous jerk!” 

“Why the fuck am I responsible for this?” 

“Takumi, that’s enough!” Ryoma’s loud and commanding roar cuts in as Takumi flinches instinctively and looks away, too mortified to argue back and condemn himself further.

“Grow up, Prince Takumi,” Leo manages before making accidental eye contact with Xander. He’s back in his paladin attire, and Leo dislikes the way he looks so disappointed in him, so he opens his mouth as if to retort something, but falls quiet eventually.

Takumi, however, doesn’t seem intent on letting this go and throws rice balls at Leo like a rice bazooka.

"The hell?!" Leo yells, his arms flying over his head in a vain attempt to shield his hair from turning into porridge. "You have anger issues!"

Seizing the opening, Takumi leans over and snatches Leo's free fork. He wields it in the only way he knows how to hold it, like a weapon, in an attempt to frighten Leo.

"Takumi, put Leo's fork down," Mikoto says, barely heard as she keeps swallowing mouthfuls of rice, but Takumi complies and drops the fork submissively.

"Just what kind of shit show is this," Hinoka says while clutching at Takumi's arms. "Stop it, you idiot! You're embarrassing all of us!"

"Don't mind me, I'm just… trying the avocado…" Xander reaches out to scoop up the green paste with his fork.

"Fucking hell," Leo curses furiously, "Now my hairstyle is trashed with rice," he considers murdering Takumi on the spot for a brief moment, and fights back the tears as he desperately tries to untangle the white grains from his golden locks.

"If Oboro was here, she'd say your hairstyle is dog shit!" Takumi retorts.

Ryoma roars. "Language, young man!"

"What do _you_ know about hair styling, you absolute pineapple?"

"Boys, save the hostilities for later," A distraught Camilla interrupts, "Xander isn't feeling well right now!"

The attention suddenly shifts to Xander, whose face is coloured a life-threatening shade of red from all the coughing and suffocating.

"What on earth was in that avocado?" Camilla asks while pressing a glass of water on Xander's lips.

"Isn't it obvious?" Leo scoffs. "The Hoshidans took advantage of our inadequacy to provide for ourselves and tampered with our meals! I had warned you, but you refused to listen, and now Xander only has himself to blame!"

"Says the guy who will eat poisoned mushrooms just to feel full," Takumi says bitterly. Leo shoots him a glare.

"Prince Leo, this is a quite serious accusation that you're making." Ryoma holds Leo's gaze assertively.

"I don't think avocado was on the menu, though," Sakura speaks up, albeit rather shyly.

A light bulb goes off above Takumi's pineapple head. He grabs his chopsticks and picks up a piece of the green paste before shoving it in his mouth and swallowing it whole.

"It's quite strong," Takumi says, but tears are starting to show in his eyes, "I bet your weak Nohrian palates would think it's a poisoned avocado. But it's just wasabi."

"Says the one who eats chalk on a regular basis," Leo says, and Takumi scowls at him.

"Oh, well, at least we've cleared this misunderstanding," Hinoka laughs sheepishly while Ryoma lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding™.

"Leo," Xander manages between two coughing fits, "What was that about… me only having myself to blame?"

"Uh." Everybody's heads turn to Leo, who's never usually caught being at a loss for words. "Nothing," he finishes lamely.

"Leo, as much as I dislike the idea of calling you out on your mistakes in front of everyone, I feel like I have to make this clear," Corrin says and Leo's blood turns cold in his veins. "I'm working so hard to bring my two families together, and I won't have you ruin this with your petty assumptions against the Hoshidans."

The tension in the room is thick enough to be cut with a knife. Sakura's the most uncomfortable, looking down at her plate and chewing on her lower lip, but Elise's hand pokes out from under the table to grab hers.

"Corrin, it's not about me having petty assumptions. This is cold, ruthless logic," Leo winces as he keeps talking, "In the current turn of events, it is perfectly reasonable to think, even mistakenly, that the Hoshidans would--"

"Leo, shut up," Corrin cuts him off. "Why is it so hard for you to trust?"

Leo opens his mouth as if to shoot back something clever, then turns to Xander, only to be met with his angered expression.

"Corrin is right. There are times when logic only makes matters worse," Xander just says.

Hurt flashes in Leo’s eyes as all eyes fall on him. It doesn’t take long for the dark knight to jerk up from his seat and storm out of the room without notice.

No one dares to speak up for a while, until Sakura detaches her hand from Elise’s and stirs from her chair.

“I can fix this,” she mutters with burning passion in her voice, but Takumi stands up in a flash.

“You wouldn’t get it,” Takumi tells Sakura before making a run for the exit, unprompted.

The remaining members of the two families watch in abashment as Takumi skedaddles out of the room.

“Azura, you could have helped me out there.” Corrin breaks the silence.

“I don’t pick sides,” Azura replies, shrugging, and resumes eating her fish.

“Who cares? Let’s give them a moment and it’ll be like nothing happened.” Hinoka shrugs as well, not bothering to swallow her food before speaking. 

“Ew,” Camilla sighs as she brushes a chunk of unidentified food off her cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of consistent storytelling, Takumi has washed his hair prior to this chapter. I didn't want him scratching his scalp off like a maniac during dinner because then he'd be asked to leave and that would be awkward.


	8. Restless

Leo spends the night in Takumi’s quarters, and thinks nothing of the close proximity between their futons. He only craves the comfort of a bed and the familiar loneliness of his room back home. He misses the darkness, and wonders why the hell would Takumi absolutely need to sleep with the curtains fully open and the room drowned in moonlight. _The moon watches over me while I’m asleep, and the mochi-pounding rabbit is my friend,_ or so Takumi has told him. Leo thinks, there is absolutely no way for a whole people to believe in this shit, but to the best of his knowledge, Hoshidan texts make no mention of drug liberalisation laws.

Leo’s favourite routine to fall asleep goes like this: he overworks himself to the point of exhaustion until his eyes fall shut on their own, and when he lays in bed, he looks back on his day and the things people have told him. He deciphers non existing meanings in which he takes personal offense, and cries himself to sleep pathetically. Only this time, he cries because he’s found a friend in Takumi, along with shared doubts and traumas and a level of emotional closeness he’s never experienced before. When he feels his consciousness leaving him, his last thought is how thankful he is that Takumi has gone to find him during this mess of a dinner.

He opens his eyes to find Takumi thrashing and yelling next to him. The view is too reminiscent of a stubborn 2-year-old child that has no intention of eating his veggies like a good boy, except that Takumi is a grown-up man with no rationalisation for his questionable behaviour.

“Well, there goes my beauty sleep,” Leo bitches, wincing when Takumi kicks him in the leg. “Fuck, do I have to call his mum? Why did no one bother to tell me the procedure?” 

And for a moment, Leo’s mind goes wild -- he thinks about roleplaying as Takumi’s mum and locking him in his arms until the boy feels safe enough to fall asleep.

Leo has no time to act on his scandalous thoughts as Takumi wakes and stares at him all funnily.

“You could’ve woken me up instead of gawking at me like that,” he says, and Leo has no objection to make. He watches as Takumi stands up and takes his leave.

*

“Azura! Exorcise me!” 

Takumi roams the empty halls of the palace in the hope of finding Azura. Her song has proven quite helpful in the past to tame his nightly delusions, but sadly for him, the songstress is nowhere to be found tonight, so Oboro shows up instead.

"Lord Takumi!" The retainer blurts out, obviously not prepared to run into her lord in the middle of the night. "A-As I'm sure you know, wandering off during nighttime is unhealthy! How are you to perform your princely duties in the morning without getting enough sleep?"

"Well, look at the pot calling the kettle black!" Takumi berates her, but the words hold no real bite. "What's keeping you up so late anyway?"

"Oh, I'm just fetching some hot milk for Hinata. He needs hot milk every night at 1 a.m. sharp or else he won't sleep." Oboro shrugs.

"And he calls himself a man? What the hell," Takumi snorts like he’s the manliest man on this planet.

"I know, right?" Oboro erupts into easy laughter. "He's just a kid under that false bravado. Say, I'd like to suggest a good, old-fashioned sleepover like the old times." She offers a warm smile. "How about it?"

"I can't," Takumi says, fumbling with his hair tie nervously, "Leo's in my room."

Oboro's expression slowly morphs into the most disdainful scowl Takumi has ever seen. There's no way in hell he'll ever forget it-- the sight will be etched into his brain forever. It seems Oboro has effectively poisoned her own romantic pursuits.

The grimace only gets worse as seconds go by, so Takumi takes a few steps back as a precaution.

"Uh," he says, his vocal cords barely functioning at this point, "Gotta go now."

He sneaks out of Oboro's sight and heads to the kitchen. No chefs or maids in there, so he gets himself a packet of Samyang carbo fire noodles. Pan hot and water boiling, the dish starts cooking as Takumi pours the whole of the fire sauce onto the noodles and adds the carbonara powder. He whistles to the tune of Azura's song while stirring the red mix in the pan. In no time, the ramen is ready and caliente on the table. 

Sakura stands in the kitchen's doorway with a worn out expression as Takumi stuffs an ungodly amount of noodles in his face.

"Okay," she just says. Takumi notices her presence, which still doesn't stop him from downing repeated mouthfuls of noodles.

They fall into an awkward silence, punctuated by Takumi's endless and increasingly loud slurping. Sakura remains quiet until Takumi has finished his meal.

"Is Prince Leo sleeping in your room right now?"

"Uh, yeah, what of it?" he snaps before taking a swig from a jar of milk conveniently placed nearby.

The healer hesitates for a moment before opening slightly her mouth to speak, but misses the opportunity as Hinoka barges in the kitchen with no warning.

“I can’t with that purple-haired whore, I’m done, there’s no way in heck I’m going back to my room as long as she’s in it.” Hinoka seems to finally register Takumi and Sakura’s presence. “Yo, Takumi! How’s it going with Leo?”

“He insulted me for not having a mum and made fun of my nightmare,” Takumi says, fully committed to making it seem like Leo is the single worst human on Earth, and if he has to blatantly lie about it, then so be it.

“Um, that doesn’t sound like--”

Hinoka interrupts, “The little prick! Making a fool of himself at dinner and now he has the nerve to piss on our family?”

“He keeps acting like some kind of edgelord and it’s getting under my skin.” Takumi insists, and starts scratching his arm frantically to emphasise his point: Leo is kind of like a rash that won’t go away.

“Are you sure that--”

“Okay, I think I know what we need,” Hinoka says, “I can’t stand Camilla either, so how about we practice our best impersonations of the Nohrians? I’ll start,” she grabs two huge pomeloes and holds them against her chest, “Hi, my name is Camilla. Don’t even talk to me if you are a) flat-chested, b) a peasant, otherwise I’ll slice your throat and display your skull in my room as part of my goth aesthetic.”

Takumi swallows hard and goes perfectly still. He can feel his pulse racing -- he can’t help but wonder just how awful of a person is Leo’s older sister. Hinoka drops the pomeloes back in the wicker basket, and nods to Sakura.

“Your turn,” she says, “I’m guessing you must have some tea to spill, but don’t worry, you’re in a safe place to speak your mind with us.” She grins a wide smile.

After a careful silence, Sakura says, “I would rather not engage in this game. I-It’s just, Elise and I made up, and I’m actually starting to think of her as a friend.”

“Well, my turn then!” Takumi clears his throat and straightens up his posture so that he looks as stiff and rigid as a flagpole. “Hi, my name is Leo and today I’m going to be bullying you based on your zodiac sign, something you were born with, that you cannot change, and will never be able to. By the way, I’m a Leo.” He flips his ponytail back with absolute sass, and stops mid-sentence to laugh at his own joke, but goes quiet as he realises his sisters aren’t entertained.

“If you’re using western astrology, he’s a Cancer,” Sakura says, but Takumi’s mouth opens wide in indignation.

“You can’t be named Leo and not be a Leo, this should be, like, illegal,” he says in the lamest way possible. “I never pretended to know about western astrology anyway, or his date of birth, unlike you.”

Takumi squints at Sakura, faking suspiscion and secretly thankful for the opportunity to shift the blame. 

“I-I just happened to overhear it in a conversation,” she explains, but the red flush staining her face gets increasingly visible.

“Stop badgering her, Takumi,” Hinoka scolds him, even though he’s barely said anything to put Sakura in a position of trouble. “It’s pretty common to mention your date of birth in a conversation after all.”

Takumi scoffs a laugh, not missing the way Sakura’s head nods furiously at this. He considers the situation for a second, and eventually decides that spilling Sakura’s secret is just not worth it.

“Whatever,” he says. “I just think it’s funny that his sign is the Cancer. Haha, get it? Because of the disease?” 

He swallows down the lump in his throat as a cold sweat creeps its way up his back -- again, no one’s laughing at his joke. Sakura’s eyes snap down at the ground while Hinoka just stares at him with her arms crossed and a blank expression on her face.

“Thousands of cancer patients die each year,” Sakura declares and the mood is instantly spoiled. She stares at the wall in horror.

“Go to bed, Takumi,” Hinoka sighs.

The archer chokes back the tears and walks out of the kitchen without a word. 

He goes down the hall as fast as possible for fear of unwanted company, and when he reaches his room he immediately throws himself flat on the futon, ignoring Leo’s whines of displeasure. He wiggles around like a snake, annexing his body to Leo’s and spreading his arms and legs all over the other prince much like an octopus.

“What the fuck?” Leo groans and squirms briefly before realising his motor skills have been severely restrained. “Is it commonplace for you to try suffocating your guests in the middle of the night?”

“This is the part where we share all our secrets and copulate," Takumi blurts. His breath is warm and shaky on Leo's skin.

Leo goes positively speechless.

"In case you're wondering, yes, this is 100% safe. Royals don't got STDs," Takumi says, unable to stop the train of thought coming out of his mouth, and Leo nearly chokes.

"This isn't what I'm most worried about, frankly," he remarks when he's finally summoned the courage to respond, mildly creeped out by the other's cryptic behaviour. "Right now, what I'm wondering is what kind of Hoshidan recreational drug you've consumed tonight and in what amount."

Much to Leo's surprise, Takumi seems to ponder the question, but then just looks tired out from all the thinking.

"Noodles," he hums, and Leo wishes he didn't ask.

He doesn't quite know what to make of the answer. 

"Leo?" Takumi asks, in an almost candid tone. His voice breaks through Leo's own conflicted internal monologue.

His friend will have at least one chance to redeem himself before they fall asleep, Leo decides, and chalks it up to his acute sense of righteousness and definitely _not_ to his utter endearment for the other man.

"Yes, Takumi?" He urges, gentle, and still turns his head to look at the other prince.

"Sometimes I like to dig a hole in the ground and pretend I'm a carrot."

Leo turns onto his side for good this time, and flips the covers over himself. He'll deal with the troublesome Hoshidan later in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos! As for the chapter delay, I have nothing to say for myself.


End file.
